Humor of the Day

[Laredo]

Ahem. In Lethal Weapon III (or maybe IV, I don't remember) there's a pretty good joke where Mel Gibson's character explains how come he isn't using dog biscuits to help him quit smoking anymore.

"I kept falling off the couch, trying to lick my b***s."

[gman]

Its my story and I'm stickin to it

Dave works hard at the office, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym. His wife, Mary, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doing?"
Mary is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He works out at the gym with me."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "want your usual table dance?"
Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before Mary can slam the door, Dave jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

[TomS]

Frank retired from the postal service after 40 years faithful service. He had delivered the mail each and every day without fail on the same route in a small town in Ohio. Over four decades he befriended three generations of the towns people. Everyone knew and liked Frank.

On his last day, Frank began his route with his usual good cheer. When he arrived at the first house, A man opened the door and presented Frank with a fishing rod. At the second house, a woman gave him a bowling ball.

A woman at the third house greeted Fred in a sexy nightie. She took Frank upstairs to the bedroom where they made mad passionate love. When they were done she brought him downstairs and fixed him a delicious breakfast. As Frank was leaving she slipped a dollar bill into his hand.

Frank stared at the bill for a moment and said, "The sex was wonderful. Breakfast was magnificent. But what's up with the dollar bill?" The lady of the house replied. Well, I asked my husband, Bob, what I should do for your retirement. Bob said, "Screw him! Give him a buck". Breakfast was my idea.

[toypusher]

[Gambam]

Baby seal walks into a club......

[Sonetpro]

The "F" Word

(Correct use of the "F" word)
When is @#$% Acceptable?

There have been only twelve times in history when the "F" word was considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

12 ) "What the @#$% do you mean, we are Sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

11) "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

10) "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877

9) "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938

"It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926

7) "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC

6) "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566

5) "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

4) "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC

3) "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1998

2) "What do you mean there is no @%#*ing key to my ankle bracelet?"
-- Martha Stewart, 2005

and a drum roll please............

1) "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."
-- Saddam Hussein, 2003

[subtearanean]

Baby seal walks into a club......

Or the dyslexic guy that walks into a bra?

[TomS]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy?"

Yes, Father, it is."

And, who was the woman you were with?"

I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

Well, Timmy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now!
Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

I cannot say," Timmy replied.

Was it Patricia Kelly?"

I'll never tell."

Was it Sheilah O'Brien?"

I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

Was it Kathleen Morgan?"

My lips are sealed."

Was it Fiona Grogan, then?"

Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Timmy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've
sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church Mass for three months. Be off with you now!!"

Timmy walks back to his pew and his friend, Sean, slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

Three month's vacation and five good leads."

[s4son]

Baby seal walks into a club......

Or the dyslexic guy that walks into a bra?

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?

He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.

Scott F.

[Kevin A]

I just received the following in an e-mail,

Subject NASA test


Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (True Story)

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead
chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space
shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the
frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of
the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was
sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood
shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the
shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console,
snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of
the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment,
along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for
suggestions.

You're going to love this...

NASA responded with a one-line memo -- "Defrost the chicken." (True Story)

[TonyCooper]

I've seen that NASA chicken gun demonstrated on TV.

[madjack]

...you just know there was a Brit junior button pusher who was sitting there thinking..."I told you so...you pompous bunch of twits"
madjack

[asianflava]

Mythbusters did a story on the frozen vs defrosted chicken in a chicken gun.

[madjack]

Mythbusters did a story on the frozen vs defrosted chicken in a chicken gun.

well wuz it true or not...or what were there results...inquiring minds wanna know... .......................

[cracker39]

Jack, it appears to be true according to the Urban Myths and Legends web site. They stated that there have been other variations of the story, and one was set in France. But, they also said that "A few years back, an Air Force Materiel Command public affairs report on chicken guns included a politically correct variant set in a nameless 'foreign country.' ". If the Air Force published it, I guess it's true. It's a funny story, true or not.