Dad Jokes

[rjgimp]

So I just read through the whole thread to see if there was a good one I hadn't yet stolen... ehhrr, "gleaned" for my farcebook page All Dad Jokes All The Time and am happy to report there appear to be no duplicates! There are two similar ones with the same "a reptile dysfunction" punchline but they each have a unique setup.

Well done!

[rjgimp]

When I was little my parents would say "Please excuse my French" If they uttered a swear word.

I'll never forget my first day of school when the teacher asked if any of us knew any French words.

[Tom&Shelly]

Why aren't kola bears real bears?

They don't meet the kolafications.

Tom

[rjgimp]

After spending $500 on a limo, a guy discovered that a driver wasn't included. All that money and nothing to chauffeur it!

[DJ Davis]

Two unwritten rules of life:

1.

2.

[bdosborn]

I bought sneakers from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with but I can't stop tripping.

Bruce

[rjgimp]

I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips.
I asked, "Are you the Friar?"
He replied,"No, I'm the chip monk."

[Tom&Shelly]

When a mortuary owner's daughter got married, he was surprised that she and the groom, like most couples, held a practice wedding at the church the night before, so that the bridesmaids, groomsmen, and others participating in the wedding would know their roles in the actual ceremony. The mortuary owner thought it was a pretty good idea, and started holding practice funerals for his staff. Folks thought it was a crazy idea, probably with good reason, but sure enough, one day the lead car in the procession from church to cemetary wouldn't start, and they had to quickly move the cadaver from that vehicle to a backup. It was accomplished so quickly, most of the family didn't even know it happened.

Moral: It pays to re-hearse!

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

"[George, an Inuit] was especially fond of chocolate candy. He and his partner, an Indian of the same age called Big Charlie, found an old cache and there was some chocolate candy in it which they ate.

'You talk about trouble! They call that candy Ex-Lax.' "

Harmon Helmericks, author of The Last of The Bush Pilots

[bdosborn]

As the optician handed over my new glasses he said: "These are the special James Bond model".
I said: "Why James Bond?"
He said: “Because they're for your eyes only...."

[rjgimp]

I just asked myself if I’m going crazy. Everyone said no, so we’re good.

[Tom&Shelly]

I just asked myself if I’m going crazy. Everyone said no, so we’re good.

Just checked over here. Three out of five ain't bad!

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

A friend of mine is working on AI software for Emergency/Disaster (ED) response. Every hospital, police station, and emergency response vehicle in a county will get a unit, and all the units will communicate with each other. But the big gimmick is that the AI system will actually talk with the emergency responders, suggesting courses of action they might take in any situation. They even plan to install units with the county morgue and their vehicles, just in case.

Yep, it's ED, the talking hearse!

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

Great news! Just heard from my friend and the county is buying the ED system.

Only problem: ED the talking hearse's comments were a bit crypt-ic.

Tom

[Tom&Shelly]

We had a warm spell last week, but we've had a snowstorm this weekend, and this morning it's in the teens. Shelly says the poor animals must be confused.

I said they just blame it on coyote induced global warming. (They don't know it's humans.)

Tom