Steve "Dutch" Vaz
Now I don't normally eat raw oysters, I am not very fond of them
cooked.
While staying at my friend Dawna's and her husbands place in Milton
Florida, We went to the Oyster Bar for dinner.
John orders a dozen oysters Damond ,Dawna's son , orders six. John
insists Damond also order a dozen , that he will eat any remaining oysters.
John is raving about the oysters at this place. My buddy Gary loves
oysters and cant get enough of them . I figure I should give them a
chance, so many people I know love them there must be something to them.
Our order comes twenty six oysters two bakers dozen. There are plenty
for me to try . So I take one dip it in the sauce and swallow it. It was
OK , I would rather have a fried chicken leg, but I got it down. Well
that is hardly giving them a chance . I have another . I can't say it
tasted any better, but again I got it down. Thats enough I gave them a
shot .
Damond says " Hey Steve have some more I can't eat all of these." "
Here take this nice big fat one" No says I give me that little one. You
know the little shriveled one with the slight green tint.Yeah that little
wrinkled sucker right there. So I dip it and suck it down.
We had a great dinner went back to the house and had a couple of beers.
IT was a great evening.
I head out to my van which is parked about one hundred feet from the
House in the pine trees great camp site. My trusty dog and I climb into
bed prepared and primed with a full belly and couple of beers for a good
nights sleep. I stretch out ah that feels good close my eyes and await
sleep.
Suddenly ," What was that gurgle? Ah nothing just ate to much to back
to sleep." "sh** there it goes again. Ah it ain't nothing just a little
gas. Go back to sleep" Suddenly my stomach feels like that school of
Piranha are devouring the cow in that old film. "Oh I will be all right
go back to sleep"
Let me pause for a moment and explain that for some reason I have
experienced food poisoning probably more than most.I can only attribute this
to bad luck, and ordering other than the usual form menus, and once
for being a cheep ass and eating this lunch meat that should have been
thrown away the week before.
Being fully aware of the symptoms , I am of course in denial." This
cant be happening I am camping in my friends front yard.
Soon there is no longer a doubt , My stuffed Grouper three oysters and
four beers are racing from my stomach to my mouth with the velocity of
an Apollo space shot. I throw the door open barely clearing the portal
as the evening meal spews forth.
"This cant be what I think it is just a little gas" I am still in
denial. I crawl back into bed. But alas no rest for the wicked.
The piranhas are in full attack on that cow in my stomach. But what is
this a new rumbling lower in my Gastro intestinal track.
Those of you that have had Salmonella know that it is a total body
experience. Yes my worst fear is about to come true. Both ends expelling
the infamous oyster.
Now my van is not exactly the place you would want to experience this
sort of evening. It has a Porta Pottie. Cute name for this tiny little
fixture. The Porta Pottie measures 11x 13 and stands about 12 inches off
the ground. This is a problem,now I cant squat that low and with my
knees if I got down there I would never get up! 11x 13 = 143 sq inches.
My ass well lets see Pi times r squared. Well we don't need to go there
but I can tell you that there is more than 143 sq inches.
Up comes the second round. I make for the door as my bowels rumble. I
quickly grab the Porta Pottie from it hiding place and take it outside.
Ah a cinder block , I will set the Porta Pottie on top of it that will
bring it to a workable height.
I sit naked in the pine trees in a warm Florida shower, Projectile
vomiting and running form the opposite end. This is not good.
I am not a religious man but I know I talked to God that night. On and
On it went. I think I had one of those LSD flashbacks they warned me
about.
I sit in the light rain for what seems like hours.Finally it seems that
I have expelled all the poisons in my system. It figure it has to be
time to clean up my act and take care of the paper work.
I shift my weight on my precarious perch in order to take care said
paper work. The Porta Pottie and I fall off the cinder block. DOWN GOES
FRASIER!!! DOWN GOES FRASIER!. There I lie naked covered in leaves sand
and worse,
It is a good day to die.
Now what was Dawna telling me about those fire ants.
Too Funny. I have only experienced it once when I ordered some steamed clams from hooters. I don't wish that on anybody. That was the most sick I have ever been. Hope you are feeling better.
Must be something about this neck of woods, I'm about 20 mile from Milton... 
Where??
