Halle-Luan! Found it! My LONG luan story!!

[Ira]

Oy vey, what a day, but I finally found my 1/8 luan at the HD--the HD I've only been to about a gazillion times but never saw it there before.

EXTREMELY long post here, but maybe my agony will give you a chuckle.

I was determined, and no amount of incorrect information from HD floor people--nor being IGNORED by HD floor people--was going to stop me.

These wonderful folks also have a great new trick by saying, "Well, I work in plumbing, so I don't know much about lumber." Whereas I respond, "So why the hell don't you go back to the plumbing department so you can help people who need assistance with THAT!?"

This is in addition to the world-renowned HD two-step--where they're assisting a customer, you patiently and quietly wait your turn a respectable 7 to 10 feet away, and when they're done with that customer, they do a complete 180 and leave you standing there feeling like a total idiot.

Seriously, they used to be great by me, but now they're getting like the previous Builder's Square that was there.

A guy in doors says they don't sell it any more. A guy in lumber says it's with the doors. A guy at the contractors desk is totally ignoring me to help a customer with big breasts who is asking for advice on tulips. A woman in lumber says "Here it is!" And I have to point out that although 1/4" oak ply is indeed nice stuff, it is not 1/8" luan.

I trudge to customer service, almost a beaten man. A girl takes pity on me and does a computer search for "luan." She narrows the list down and says, "Well, we only have 41 sheets of 1/8 luan in stock."

Right now, I am sexually aroused big-time--not by her, by the luan. Better than Viagara. And I pitifully stammer, "I...I...I need one sheet, please. PRETTY please!? I can't find it."

She gets on the horn to get someone from lumber to come over. 5 minutes, 10 minutes. I am no longer aroused. 5 more minutes, she gives up too, but she's pretty nice about totally blowing me off. At this point, I am not even a man any longer. I am both impotent and sterile.

I slowly shlep back to lumber, and like the red sea parting, I spot "Byron" with his HD apron…a fancy button that says something like "Service is our business!"…and literally, I saw a shining, magical, glistening halo floating over his head. Just like an ANGEL, only no wings. Just a hammer.

"B...B...B...Byron, I need some of that service like it says on your button." I ask him for 1/8 luan, and he says, "I don't think we carry that stuff any more." I hoarsely inform him that the computer gal says you have 41 sheets.

He takes the lead, and bravely, like a platoon sargeant leading his inexperienced men through a mine field, we begin walking up and down the aisles. Suddenly, with a surprised tone in his voice that also makes my heart aflutter and a pointed finger, he exclaims, "Oh! There it is!"

Tears pour down my cheeks, my knees buckle, and I wet myself. But at least I have my luan.

My HD cleverly puts their 1/8" door skin luan between wooden fence posts and MAILBOX fence posts--nowhere NEAR the rest of the ply. No wonder they're stuck with 41 sheets--no one will ever FIND the stuff.

Only 8 bucks a sheet, and it's less than 4 by 8. It's like 36 by 72, 80, don't remember exactly. It's been too emotional an experience to remember many details.

I get on my knees to kiss Byron's feet and thank him, and he tells me to stop it. That I'm embarrassing him. But the way the love was flowing from my soaring heart, there was no way to control myself.

I pay for my precious luan, pass through the exit, and a strong breeze almost carries me and Larry (that's what I named him) over to the next block. This stuff IS bendy.

I get to the truck, and my bed is covered with these disgusting gooey berries that fell from trees and stain stuff--and I know it's gonna stain Larry. It's a red color, so I think maybe this is a staining solution from God! But as an athiest, I decide against this, that they're just disgusting berries that are going to stain Larry.

No choice anyway, so I choose the poorer side and lay him down. Later, upon removal, just two little stains, so no real damage done.

I arrive home, show Larry his new home, introduce him to the family and pets, and blissfully pop open a cold Budweiser.

It doesn't get any better than this, folks.

Now get your asses over to the General forum to answer some questions for me.

[madjack]

Ira, I was sitting in my recliner and saw a bright lite to the East, at that same time I heard what sounded like a chorus of hallelujahs...now I know it was not the second coming but you finding your grail
madjack

[GregB]

I'm very happy for the two of you, but are you certain that (given your response) Larry isn't Luanne? Regardless, I'm sure that you'll have many happy years together.

GB

[EZ]

A gripping, moving post. I couldn't put it down. I mean I couldn't stop scrolling down. Emotional yet grounded. I laughed. I cried. Left me wanting more. At the end I truly cared about Ira and Larry. Two thumbs up

[cracker39]

A gripping, moving post. I couldn't put it down. I mean I couldn't stop scrolling down. Emotional yet grounded. I laughed. I cried. Left me wanting more. At the end I truly cared about Ira and Larry. Two thumbs up

Now, you know why Ira has the label on his avatar of the "forum storyteller".

Ira, I actually saw those door skins in HD one, but I was looking for something else in the wrong department where one of those Oh So Knowledgable floor persons sent me. Don'tcha just love it when they play "send him anywhere to get rid of him"? I actually had one clerk send me down about 8 aisles when what I was looking for was in the next aisle where from we were standing when I asked.

[Guy]

I cannot believe it, Luanne has been sleeping in more teardrops since she came from the Phillipines that even HD does not want her. Now she has gone to Ira. Will anyone want to have her again.

[s4son]

Ira,
I can't belive after all that you only bought one piece. You know when you go back for more they'll have moved it by then. Tell Larry I said "Hey."

Scott F.

[Ira]

Thank you ALL for your blessings toward Larry and me.

Except Guy, who is questioning my manhood. In fact, I am so MUCH a man that my wife can't even handle it any longer, and wants nothing to do with me at all when it comes to nuptial realtions!

Anyway, it took you 20 minues to read this ridiculous post, but it took me an HOUR to walk out the freaking door with Larry at HD.

You guys probably suffered more.

[angib]

Don'tcha just love it when they play "send him anywhere to get rid of him"? I actually had one clerk send me down about 8 aisles when what I was looking for was in the next aisle where from we were standing when I asked.

It's interesting that in the land of service you get these problems. We are currently on an opposite phase - if you ask where something is, in most stores the staff member must take you in person to the right aisle. One store even demands that they actually point out, and preferably touch, the product you want!

Andrew

[Miriam C.]

Please excuse my bipolar moment.

Thank you.
Miriam

[TomS]

Right now, I am sexually aroused big-time--not by her, by the luan. Better than Viagara.

Now I know why the call it "getting wood"

[Jiminsav]

you know Ira...if i knew it was that important to you, i would have shipped you all the 4x8 sheets of luan that MY HD stocks..they must have half a forest in there..and BTW, what you got is actually called door skins..but it works for fenders too i susect.
I hope you don't break larrys' heart when you saw him in half..

[weasel]

I'll never look at luan the same way again

[gman]

[ if you ask where something is, in most stores the staff member must take you in person to the right aisle. One store even demands that they actually point out, and preferably touch, the product you want!

Andrew

I ain't never gonna ask where the nuts are again

[Arne]

gman, so true... nor, the screws, plungers, shuttlecocks and a host of other 'items'.. one can only take so much 'personal' service...